I'm telling you, it's a fantastic product.
I'd have my own granddad invested.
- If he was still alive, poor guy. - He's in a better place.
There is no better place to be than our high yield development loans.
The best part is, you're not investing in some mall.
You are helping the people of Nickerson, Kansas
build themselves a church.
Tell him, John.
No! We're decided.
With these bonds, I can lock you in at 10% a year.
In this Market, the big man himself can't beat that.
But don't thank him for a lower capital gains rate.
That's the work of my man right there.
Well, like I said, we're decided.
Here you go, son.
20 years of savings right there.
That's great.
The best part is, with cash, I can get you invested today.
Folks.
You won't be sorry.
- Ronnie. - Hey.
Here's the Richmonds' 30 grand for the boys.
Plus five for you and five for me.
- They know. - Know what?
The boys know we've been skimming.
- Christ, what are we gonna do? - What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do? These people are mobsters.
They will kill us. I gotta go.
FBI, put your hands up!
FBI! Turn around and put your hands on the car!
Any of you guys got AAA?
Coffee sour?
- You're making that face. - It's this clown.
- Ronnie Dalembert. - The affinity scammer.
Sells good samaritans on phony bonds to build imaginary churches.
I don't like church, I hate him.
- Con men are the worst. - They're great on the stand.
- Blend in anywhere, they play ball. - That's what they want you to think.
Maintaining such a dim view of humanity, isn't it exhausting?
That's why they make energy drinks. We hide murderers, smugglers,
crayon in the wise guy wannabe box.
But... con men.
They don't just take your money, they rob you of your dignity.
They leave you poor, wide-eyed, and stupid on the side of the road.
If there's a chance in hell this son of a bitch
can up and whistle a different tune,
I got a seaside condo in Beirut I'd like to tell you.
Maybe lay off the energy drinks.
You love this guy so much, he's all yours.
And, in advance, I told you so.
I'm sure you have 1,000 questions.
No, no, no. I'm all good.
You've read the document in full?
Don't need to.
Because if you're at all hazy on any of the details of this agreement,
and you go off the reservation, you'll be out like madras pants.
I'm all good.
I mean, new name, no medical records.
No credit.
I've done that before.
Didn't even need the faking my death two-day head start this time.
Just gotta get a job. Get that cash flowin' again.
But that's no sweat, 'cause I got a killer work ethic.
- Ask around. - We'd check your references.
But a majority of them are deceased.
I'm testifying against a bunch of guys
who have stolen a hell of a lot more than me.
Guys who will kill me.
You think I wanna screw this up?
But yeah, so I stole some dough.
But I am not in their class.
And I'm working with you guys now.
You know, the good guys.
A notable exception being that you prey on charitable christians.
How you guys sleep at night, I'll never get it.
- I've always been a great sleeper. - Just sign the thing.
Evolution is a funny thing, developing defense mechanisms
that work solely on the element of surprise.
Case study: When I was seven,
Scott Halley and I caught a lizard in his backyard.
Hey, Stan.
- Where are you? - Burger King.
Grab me a Whopper Jr., no pickles. Don't forget your mitt.
"A," get your own whopper. "B," I don't own a mitt.
Which follows, I don't play softball.
It's Marshals versus APD.
I'm not a team player.
And that's a quote from last year's performance appraisal.
Besides, my Saturdays are sacred.
- Since when? - It's a recent development.
Team sports with coworkers isn't fun, it's work.
And I don't work on my one special, blessed day.
Goodbye, Stan.
The lizard was so shocked, it shed its tail in Scott's hand,
at which point Scott started bawling.
His dad said the tail would grow back.
But before we could witness the reptilian resurrection,
his parents split up and his mom moved him to Sarasota.
Point is, to survive is to let go...
Of old habits, new friends,
and to shed your tail every now and again.
It leaves scars, and it isn't pretty, but if you look close enough, what is?
- Brandi, I'm late. - I've got a surprise.
You know how much I love those.
- It's Mark. - What's Mark?
He's in town, and he wants to see you.
Mark... That Mark?
- Yes, your ex-husband Mark. - Don't say ex-husband.
We were married for less than a week, 20 years ago.
Okay, unlike you,
I am still Facebook friends with people back in Jersey.
And I was chatting Tina Pasquale.
- Tina heard about the Internet? - Tina says Mark's really evolved.
So's the Taliban.
Tina, by the way
Married the P.E. teacher, I know.
His status updates are hilarious.
This is why I'm not on Facebook.
And by the way, just because he's in town
doesn't mean I need to lay eyes on my and I'm only saying it because you did,
ex-husband.
- Mark. - Hey.
Since 1970,
the Federal Witness Protection Program has relocated thousands of witnesses,
some criminal, some not, to neighborhoods all across the country.
Every one of those individuals shares a unique attribute
distinguishing them from the rest of the general population.
And that is,
somebody wants them dead.
Season 4 - Episode 5 Second Crime Around
Blazer and a BlackBerry. What, are you playing dress-up?
Well, I knew I was gonna see you. BlackBerry's fake.
- He owns his own business. - Let me guess, ticket scalping.
Silent partner in an OTB.
It's something a lot more exciting. I'm in the heating and ventilation game.
- Really? - If you have problems with your pipes,
I can go get my tool belt.
- What, you're not buying? - Buy the tool part.
So, what are you doing here anyway?
He's in town for the H-Vac Convention.
This year's all about chilled beam... technology.
- Really? - Bad-ass?
If you want,
I can, pull some strings, if I can get you some tickets.
Just say the word.
So this seems kind of...
- Stalkery. - No! Your sister set it up.
Blame social networking.
I'd love to, but I'd really just rather blame my sister.
You haven't aged at all. You haven't aged a day.
All right, maybe a couple months. Maybe.
Seriously, you look unbelievable.
Right. We both look unbelievable. Social conventions.
I've got this thing across town, so...
Right. Brandi said you were a marshal?
She's pretty important.
Too important to have dinner with me?
- For old times' sake. - I wouldn't sell old times.
Play nice.
Okay, what's gonna get you out of my house the fastest?
Yes to dinner?
- Fine, dinner. Yes. - Yes!
I make it a point never to sell.
- This is me leaving. - Right.
- Seriously? - Oh, my God.
- How sweet is he? - My God.
I mean, 20 years later, he's still totally on fire.
It's great you're getting your life together.
Your bra is completely showing. But I don't need your charity.
Don't fix me up. Not with the most recent guy
you suckered into buying a convertible.
Not with some club foot divorcee from Peter's synagogue.
He has a shoe that fixes it.
And certainly not with my ex-husband. Copy?
Now he's your ex-husband.
Okay. Are you going to work?
It's Saturday!
Good morning.
Very good morning.
You Southern Methodists must do something about your P.R.
People have got the wrong idea.
Where are you going?
I thought we could take a couple showers,
tandem-style.
And while it pains me to decline your generous offer,
it's the last day of the Rare Book Show,
and I've had a first edition of Elmer Gantry
on reserve for 36 hours.
If I wasn't turned on before.
Also, I've got to get home to change.
Things are going good for us.
Isn't it time you started keeping some of your stuff?
- Oh, boy. - Even, I hope this isn't too forward,
but I got you a lock box.
It's fitted out for a Glock 23. There's room for your Tac light too.
It's beautiful. Here's the thing.
There's a thing?
Many guys are commitment-phobic.
I, on the other hand, have been accused of virulent commitment-philia.
And the lock box is a sign that I'm a commitment-phile too.
Today, it's a lock box. Tomorrow, we're fighting
over paint chips and planning our Christmas card.
- It's April. - I've been known Christmas shop.
I don't wanna ruin this.
We need to take things slowly. Just till we know it's real.
Can you do slow?
I can try.
Can you?
I'm actually not sure.
Long time, no see.
Six months, three weeks, two days. But who's counting?
You are looking so... centered.
Christ.
Can we talk? Privately
Yeah.
Pete, I'm gonna catch up with an old friend.
I'll be in the back if you need me. Gosh. Mary Shepherd.
Follow me.
Welcome.
This is all yours?
- Yeah. - Hate to admit it,
but looks like you might have actually turned into a decent guy.
I think my girl Danica would agree.
I just wish all your other witnesses
could channel the amazing energy out here.
It's the negative ions.
They increase the flow of oxygen to your brain.
- It's. - Ions. Right.
- The shop sure looks busy. - I'm killing it.
Had to hire two new part-timers last month.
Good for you.
So, anything else I need to know?
What is knowable? Really?
Are we?
Is all this knowable?
So true.
All right, this officially concludes our surprise WITSEC inspection.
See you soon.
Broseph! Great to see you.
Love that tie.
- It's an 80%-20% silk-cashmere blend. - So dope!
So, have you given any thought to our discussion?
I did, a number of analysts said you can't get 1% a month right now.
Doin' the research? Love it.
It's all about leveraging the carry trade.
We buy government-backed mortgage securities yielding 6%.
Thanks to Allied Reliant's unique relationship
with the Bank of Japan,
we pledge those bonds as collateral to borrow at 0%.
- Easy-peasy. - I think I'm ready to invest.
Great.
'Cause, with cash,
I can get you invested today.
- You won't be sorry. - Sorry is the last thing I'll be.
I been pickin' up a lot of negative ions in here.
Or are those positive ions?
- He's. - Yes, he is.
- You mind taking a walk? - Wait, I was under investigation?
- Sure looks that way. - Does Marshall know?
Not yet. I'd ask you for the details, but you'll only have to repeat them
for the SEC, that'll be fun.
Nice work, noob. Best Saturday I've had in years.
Come on, let's go. Chop chop.
Freeze! FBI! Don't move!
- Don't move! - I'm a U.S. Marshall.
Get your hands up!
- I'm a U.S. Marshal, you idiots! - Someone should have called ahead.
- On a Saturday? - I thought I'd surprise him.
Certainly surprised the FBI.
Not to mention me, whose witness this is.
- How's it goin'? - How about a couple back slaps?
The scumbag is scamming again. Was onto him too is beside the point.
- In fact, it is the point. - You have no point.
I was right!
All right. That's enough.
I am operating an office with masters. It's hard, okay?
I got a hard job!
- I authorize you to investigate. - My witness.
I gave clear guidelines. If you got some kind of hang-up.
- Which she does. - I was doing my job.
Your job is to make my job easier. You had dirt, you should have told me.
Chief McQueen.
Dana Taylor from Financial Crimes is on the phone.
- Wants a sit-down at her office. - Ronnie is a protected witness.
Our witness, our turf.
I'll tell her myself.
Man. It was gonna be such a good day.
Bust a bad guy, watch some crappy TV. Curl up in bed with a box of wine.
Now. This is all screwed up.
- I got a date with my ex-husband. - Your what?
I was married for five days when I was 17.
- What? - No big deal.
We were young and stupid. We were young and he was stupid.
Anyway, he's in town for an air conditioning convention.
There is no way to make that sound sexy. Whatever, we'll probably go to Zinc,
drink too much, and get in a fight, for old times' sake.
How has this never come up? You have an ex-husband.
I don't like to brag.
Unbelievable.
So you just blew up a six-month operation.
Thousands of man hours gone
with no actionable intelligence to show for it.
FBI should be used to a lack of intelligence.
For the record, you got in the way of my investigation.
Ronnie Mcintire isn't Ronnie Mcintire, he's my witness.
He's my partner's witness, but just so we're on the same page,
we're his WITSEC inspectors.
I'm with fugitive investigations.
- Shut it, Eberhardt. - It's a silent "t," "Eberhard."
- So that's why Ronnie doesn't exist. - Before 2009.
- What do you think was going on? - Con men.
False identity. We see it all the time.
The ironic twist here is. I think I'm using the word correctly,
is you guys helped him create it.
Because you guys in the windbreakers
already busted him in Nevada, and he testified in a trial last year.
It's called-gosh, I hope I'm using the term correctly, Witness Protection.
So your little sting, what was that supposed to accomplish?
I was gonna bounce him, turn him over to the SEC.
You mean the SEC, CFTC, and IRS? This fund he hooked into is huge.
Way bigger than your guy. We should have coordinated.
Witness Protection's classified. And your investigation was a secret.
Paint me a picture.
All right. What happened, happened.
Bottom line is U.S. Attorney's hip-deep in this case.
So let's just bury the hatchet and grab a mop.
You're not just out of the program? You're on a bullet train to making
a whole lot of new friends in prison for what sounds like
a hilariously long time.
I don't see that happening.
As usual, you guys got this all bunched up.
Forget the carry trade fund. You're missing the big picture.
- Carry trade, 50 words or less. - It's all based on Libor.
The London Interbank Offering Rate. I'll send you websites.
I shouldn't. That's my fault.
Big picture, gang.
You let me cooperate,
I deliver you Julian Conran.
Please.
No way Julian Conran's involved in some two-bit scam.
Right. Except this two-bit scam
is not what it appears to be.
I know where the money's going.
It's guns.
This isn't about robbing people.
It's about funding Julian Conran's arms business.
The fund buys guns. That money needs to be cleaned.
And it all flows through Allied Reliant.
I am gonna build you guys a case so airtight,
it would make Noah jealous.
Noah, he built an ark.
Course, that means you need to drop
all charges against me.
I love it.
If you testify against Julian Conran and Allied Reliant.
- Yeah. - No.
No! No! No!
We're not giving this weasel another bite at the apple.
- Do we even do that? - For Conran?
Stan, I'm gonna steal a desk, loop in the Attorney General's office.
You gotta be kidding me. This guy, this parasite, goes right back
to running another scam, gets caught, and now we're gonna what?
Think of it less as parasitic than symbiotic.
- It's a win-win. - Win-win.
- That's how you're gonna sell this? - We clear this with Attorney.
You'll maintain your status in the program,
and you'll be relocated once again.
About that...
We bring these guys down, I am gonna be the most
valuable witness the Marshal Service has ever seen.
And I'm not waking up in Albuquerque.
More platinum plus relocation.
We're gonna need to get creative.
- Oceanfront steez. - You realize that this is a scam.
This is, right now!
We'll know more tomorrow. If you can go grab his W.C. File.
No problem. Anything else?
Want a cocktail?
The sooner you get on board, the sooner we get him out of our hair.
I miss you already.
Seriously, take it down a notch.
Give yourself a blemish.
I'm only one man. You look unbelievable.
What is that? Your one line?
I'm pacing myself. I'm on a one-adjective-a-week plan.
I see.
You like it here?
I thought you said it was too... something.
You must be Mark. I'm Marhsall, Mary's partner.
- This is Abigail. - I'm the girlfriend.
Hey, Mark, Mary.
Fun idea. Let me see if they have a table for four.
That is fun. I'll supervise.
Is this because I put your cell phone in jell-o?
This is because, once upon a time, you got to grill my dad
on my youthful indiscretions.
And you know what they say about payback.
Do you have a table for four?
It was only a carton of cigarettes!
- You didn't know they were stolen? - She figured it out.
When the police kicked the motel door in.
It was a hotel.
When the only amenity is an out-of-order ice machine,
I'm pretty sure that's a motel.
Anyway, it turns out stealing a carton of smokes
really puts a crimp in the old honeymoon.
Also, he banged the cleaning girl.
- What? - She was the receptionist.
Receptionist. Cut a guy some slack.
I do, actually. Actually, I do.
Like he was 17, and what do 17-year-old guys do?
They steal stuff and bang cleaning girls.
You are very forgiving.
17-year-olds shouldn't be getting married.
It was a long time ago. We were kids.
Actually got divorced on our honeymoon.
- How romantic. - Yes.
She was, back then.
In a tough sort of way.
A sandpaper romantic.
So do you guys live together?
- No. - No, no, no, no, no.
No, actually, that's a good question.
We do not live together.
We are taking things good and slow.
Are you now? Tell us all about that.
Abigail and I recently discovered we're both commitment junkies.
Without proper monitoring, there's the potential for implosion.
And the torch has been passed.
You are more dysfunctional than I am.
- How is that dysfunctional? - You kidding?
I don't know you guys, but, believe me, I've made very mistake in the book.
Books, plural.
But taking it slow? What is that?
You're just lying to yourselves. Slow is for suckers.
Jump to the truth.
Bedroom or couch?
I'm good either way, but full disclosure, I'm not 17 anymore.
I got this back thing.
- Less talk, more couch. - More couch, good.
- There's something I need to tell you. - What?
I still have a dancer's body. You're welcome.
What if your mom busts in again?
You have no idea how possible that is.
Mark.
My God. This is fun.
Mark, wake up.
I gotta go to work.
It's Sunday.
I'll sneak into confession after.
Come on, this isn't a B&B.
If you're doing that to turn me on, it's working.
It was fun.
We went, like, almost six hours without a screaming match.
I was tired.
Not that tired.
- Am I gonna see you again? - You gotta leave to find out, right?
Come on, let's go.
Will you excuse me for a second?
- How are you? - Hi, stranger.
I'm good, thanks.
Did you have a good time with Mary?
Yeah, she's still got that...
- Judgmental streak? - I was gonna say spark.
Okay, good.
Hey, is, Peter around?
There's something I wanted to run by him.
Okay, the Attorney General approved the operation.
Congratulations, you're still a protected witness.
Gosh, you know what would be awesome?
If the FBI Could just do its job
and gather enough evidence to raid Conrad's place without using this tool.
But Julian never gets his hands dirty, and you'll never get a warrant.
That said, the guy's got problems.
What kind?
The kind where his arms route to Mexico stalls out.
It stalled because we just shut down two tunnels under El Paso.
I got an idea.
This is gonna work. Trust me.
What is that, a reflex?
Julian throws these parties for high net worth investors
at his place in Scottsdale.
You get me in there,
you will nail that bastard on fraud and arms dealing.
Give him what he wants, and reopen those tunnels.
Is that doable?
Sure, just need to liaise with our colleagues on the ground.
You'll consent to wearing a wire?
I'll wear anything. Except Jean shorts.
I'll get our team up and running.
Dana the thing is...
A witness going undercover is a nonstarter
unless his inspectors are there to secure his safety.
And when was the last time you worked undercover?
We're always undercover. That's the job.
Seriously, in my real life, I'm a total bitch.
We need to get Conran making the deal.
Not some flunky who may or may not flip.
Conran.
Good news is, and this is perfect.
Julian's got a thing for blondes with big tits.
That is good news.
- If lacking in originality. - A little bit.
Here's a game.
I vouch for the Texas hookup.
Marshall's there as your what?
Financial advisor.
And Mary, you're my new lover.
Say "lover" again. I dare ya.
This is the best Sunday I've had in years.
So we're clear. We sit tight here in the Catering van.
You get the financial pitch.
Mary gets Conran's gun sale on tape.
- She's wired. - How?
Her earrings.
We've got agents in with the caterers in the backyard.
The key is getting Julian to the bedroom.
There's a camera planted next to his bed in the alarm clock.
We get one shot at this,
so, do what you have to do.
All right, Mary's waiting for you.
- You good to go? - Good enough.
Those look good. What are they?
Roasted chanterelles on a pecorino tuille.
That clears it up.
No, thank you.
Can I get you a drink, Donna?
I'd love a tonic with this much gin. Maybe hold the tonic.
I'll just take two. They're small.
Bad guys always have the best food.
You know what this reminds me of?
Three Days of the Condor?
I used to run the Marshal's Special Operations group.
The part where I ask if you've ever shot anyone?
Not this year, but It's still early.
How you doin'? You holdin' up?
Okay, thanks to some double-sided tape.
That Conrad?
Sucking up to colonel Sanders?
Yep. I got that dude in.
That guy too?
- He's flush. - Yeah, well, not for long.
Ladies and gentlemen. Please gather round.
If I may have your attention for one second.
First of all, thank you all for coming.
I hope you've had a drink...
Or three.
I am so pleased to be offering
a new round of investment in our carry trade fund.
But, you know what? I am not the guy to explain
this very complicated fund to you.
For that, I have the magnificent Sam.
Sam, get up here. Do your thing.
Thank you all for coming. Talk to you soon.
Welcome, everyone.
Thank you so much for joining us on this beautiful day.
- So we're all here for one reason. - And we're up.
This is, my, friend.
Right, Mrs. Frechette.
Miss.
I hope you don't mind. I brought my money guy.
My favorite kind of guy.
Shall we?
Please.
You'll have to excuse me.
I'm a tad security minded.
Who isn't these days?
How can I put you at ease?
A little frisking never hurt anybody.
Guys, do your thing.
Wouldn't want to sully the mood with a gun or a wire.
- Can I ask you something? - Sure.
Would you object to a little pat down?
Never.
Here, let me help.
So you boys don't miss anything along the way.
My compliments.
Ronnie,
would you please take Mr. Money and go mingle?
If we're talking business, I'd prefer to be present.
I'd prefer to conduct it in private.
I hope that's not a problem.
It's okay, Pete.
Go on.
I'm sure you'll be welcome back when it's time to dot the I's.
Well, I'm a world-class mingler.
Ronnie.
- So... - So...
You and Ronnie...
You're, what, exactly?
We try not to label it.
Anyway, when he looks at me all he sees are dollar signs.
Then he's not as sharp as I thought.
That's my wife.
She's in Utah.
With my best friend.
Some friend.
We make it work.
So I understand you have a supply problem.
Down in Tay-has.
Such a crime, this pipeline right into Mexico.
And who, exactly, would be on the other side?
My business partner.
You're gonna have to do better than that.
Or what?
You're the one who's out of luck down there.
I'm the one with the money.
Or am I missing something?
No, it's just that I don't deal with intermediaries.
Funny, me neither.
- Ms. Frechette. - Donna.
I don't know you... Donna.
And I need to feel comfortable.
I flew the small plane here, Mr. Conrad.
I hate the small plane.
Now, you're the one with the problem down in Tay-has.
You wanna know the name of my business partner?
Someday, maybe.
But right now,
all you need to know
is that I'm the one who's gonna get your tunnels opened up.
Is that a fact?
Give me a second. I need to make a phone call.
So let's talk about tax implications...
As in how to avoid paying them.
That should be me up there. Guy's a total amateur.
Quiet, I'm begging you.
I'm impressed. The tunnels are open.
It seems I've underestimated you.
You're all smiles.
I'm just replaying our little security check.
So...
What's a girl gotta do to get a grand tour around here?
She's gotta follow me.
'Cause the grand tour starts in the bedroom.
Mind reader.
There we go.
Gosh, I bet all the kids love hangin' out at your house?
Indeed they do.
Look at all these toys.
So I think...
this right here is what you're after.
Lightweight, compact,
and with a slightly longer barrel, you have an effective range of 50 meters.
- How many can I get? - How many can you get?
That would depend on the price, now, wouldn't it?
And I've been thinking...
Not good. Not good.
- I need to ask you a question. - What's that?
Why are you really here?
Getting all...
existential?
You need...
what I have.
Say it.
I need what you have.
Here we go.
See? I told you it would be fine.
So, should we...
run through this real quick?
Compact automatic hand guns.
What's say we start at 500 pieces.
- Price? - Mil and a half.
- 1.3. - 1.4.
- Done. Half upfront? - Half on the back end.
Speaking of which.
Right, but...
Till we're good and square, it's...
still about being comfortable, isn't it?
That's a pity.
Charles, we have a deal.
Good!
So then we'll take delivery in Brownsville.
- Is tomorrow night too soon? - Too soon? No such thing.
700, that'd be half.
Now...
- Shall we get back to business? - Absolutely.
Just gotta run through some fine print,
and then I have every intention of picking up where I left off.
Excellent.
The fine print.
Ronnie here vouched for you, but, see, you're new.
So I'm going to hang on to Ronnie until the sale clears.
That's called insurance.
Don't you wanna keep somebody I actually care about?
Keep my financial advisor.
Hell, keep me.
As enticing as that sounds, my wife gets back tomorrow.
It could be awkward.
And if Ronnie's not important to you, why do you care if we hang on to him?
We're not leaving a protected witness behind.
We'll get Ronnie on the side of the buy.
Bad news, guys. We're going in. Let's go.
I came with him I plan on leaving with him.
Then your plans need to be amended.
If I can jump in here for a second...
Ronnie, dear, the grown-ups are talking.
Who the hell are you?
I'm a Marshall, whatever you're thinking about doing, you wanna think again.
Get in the bathroom, now!
Phone!
- You could have asked for help! - Why? I had it under control.
Can I come out now?
You have one new message.
Hey, it's Brandi.
I wanted to talk to you about Mark.
Peter said he's not hiring right now.
I was thinking maybe you could tell him.
Anyway, hope you had fun wherever you were.
Gift.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
So, what do you like?
Sushi, Mexican?
Listen, I'm not really hungry.
Brandi left me a weird message.
She said that you asked Peter for a job.
I can explain that.
Just hear me out, okay?
I got downsized...
- I don't really save the sales pitch. - I get this idea for my own business.
My own thing.
I pay my way out here for this convention...
- Stop. - I didn't lie to you.
I could have made up a story.
You're the same guy I knew.
- These are the same moves. - That's not fair. It's not true.
- Honestly, I really don't care. - You don't care?
It's 20 years later. What'd you think was gonna happen?
Before I came here, I don't know. But then I saw you.
We still have a good time.
You didn't have a good time on our date?
- It was hardly a date. - We had dinner.
We never dated.
You know, not for nothin', but I'm a good salesman.
- I could earn for your brother-in-law. - Except he's not my brother-in-law yet.
He's just some rich guy, right?
Look, let's not...
Look, a half a lifetime ago, we were really good at one thing.
Turns out, half a lifetime later, we still are, so...
You were always an unbelievable kisser.
You too. Unbelievable.
Good night.
See,
this one is a compound.
This one says estate.
Just pick a house. As tempting as it may be to brag,
resist the urge.
We can't know.
You'll fly through Miami, where you'll be officially handed over
to your new inspector.
I think I speak for the entire department when I say,
"we can't wait."
You know, I never saw myself in a French colonial,
but these views, come on.
Okay, I'm done.
Do you believe we're just rolling out the red carpet
for this douche bag?
That's what we do. We keep douche bags honest,
and occasionally remunerate them even when they aren't.
Disappearing.
It's not a bad deal.
No baggage,
no exes tracking you down.
So you and Mark are...
I just couldn't buy a ticket for a movie I'd already seen.
So...
How are things with Abigail?
Good.
I averted my eyes.
Excuse me?
When you did that, you know, with your dress.
I averted my eyes. It might not have looked like it,
- but I didn't see... - My God.
- What? - I don't know.
I was hoping some sort of alarm
or something would save us from you talking about my...
Guys...
I figured it out.
I can't tell you where I'm going.
But don't worry, it is crazy nice.
Two words...
Infinity pool.
Toothbrush.
Changes of underwear, two.
Body wash.
I've got body wash.
Addendum. Non-hibiscus-scented body wash.
And finally...
I'm ready to put my gun in your lock box.
I should have practiced that speech on the way over.
You don't have to practice anything for me.
Firearm!
Clear!
Forward progress is impeded by several immutable loss.
Inertia, friction, fear of the unknown,
and the impeccably bad timing of half-charming ex-husbands.
But somehow, improbable as it may be,
we find ourselves not quite free of the past,
but lurching toward the future,
inch by bittersweet inch.
Witness Protection Team